2012 ~ Our Year in Review

2012. 

As I look back at this year, I realize how much life has changed, and how far we've come. Here's a look back at our year....

Progress

Well, I did it...er...am doing it.

I know this might not sound like a huge deal, but it is to me. 

Kevin is in Boston this week, which means I'm on Ethan duty. My biggest source of anxiety has had to do with taking full responsibility for Ethan all day and all night. I just didn't think I would be able to keep up with him with no relief. I also tend not to get the best nights of sleep when Kevin is gone, because I'm overwhelmed with the worry that I won't hear Ethan if he wakes up. In the past, my mom has had to spend the night, which lessened my anxiety.

This week, I decided to take it one day (and night) at a time. I won't say that it's been sunshine and roses every minute of every day, but I've been chugging along. I haven't panicked yet...even during his 45 minute screaming fit last night at bedtime. This is my third night going solo, and I'm super proud of myself. 

Yes, I still have anxiety each morning when I wake up, and it lasts until I'm done getting myself ready for the day (coffee, wash up, hair, make-up, and dress up). However, I do feel a humungous sense of accomplishment at having made it to this point. I feel like I've come so far from where I was several months ago, mentally, emotionally, and physically. I know I still have a lot of work to do, but I'm definitely headed in the right direction!

Happy 3-Month Birthday, Ethan!

We've made it through another month! Ethan is rapidly growing before our eyes, as evidenced by his move to Size 2 diapers and 3-6 month clothing!

Stats: Since we do not have a doctor's appointment scheduled for this month, the only stat I have is Ethan's weight, which we gather by having either Kevin or I step on the scale without him, and then with him. Today, he weighed in at about 13lbs, 6oz!

Likes: Ethan LOVES observing everything around him. He is usually content to lay in his Boppy pillow and play with his linking rings, large caterpillar doll, or just kick his legs. Yes, kicking is still his favorite hobby. We can now add "grabbing" to favorite hobbies as well. Ethan used to nap in his swing, but now, he enjoys listening to the music and looking at the little animals hanging above him. He gets the biggest, gummiest smiles when he's hanging out in his swing.

Dislikes: Two words: Tummy Time. Recently, Kevin has been able to lay Ethan on his chest, and Ethan will push up, but this lasts for a total of 3-4 minutes. 

Tricks: Ethan's latest trick is napping in his crib. We tried to take away his swaddle, but I think it was too much, too soon. We find that he's able to put himself to sleep in his swaddle, if he's placed in his crib "awake but drowsy". Ethan has also discovered his hands! He can grab things that are dangling in front of him. His smiles are more frequent and deliberate. He smiles at the sound of our voices and faces. Ethan also likes to tell us stories...he's being to talk and coo up a storm!

Mom: Lots of big changes for mom this month! I'm working with a therapist to deal with my postpartum anxiety and depression, and taking some medicine as well. It's a slow process, but I'm optimistic that I'll be able to make progress. We've made the decision to stop breastfeeding, since the stress on my body and mind is not helping the anxiety. This has been a difficult thing for me to give up, but I know it is in the best interest of Ethan and myself. The weaning process is also slow-going, not to mention uncomfortable, but we're working on it.

It's been a wild ride for Kevin and I, as we continue to travel down the adventurous road of parenthood. And you know who's in the driver's seat? Ethan! I'm pretty sure that's how it's supposed to be...for now, anyway! 

Opening Up

In addition to this blog being a way to keep family and friends posted on our lives, it is also an outlet for me. Therefore, I'm deciding to write about something personal because I think it is important, not only for me, but for others who may be going through a similar situation.

This week was a difficult one for our little family. I had a very rough four days with Kevin gone; nights of sleeplessness and restlessness, and days filled with anxiety, stress, loss of appetite, thoughts of hopelessness and helplessness, and although this is difficult to admit, feeling like I had no interest in caring for little Ethan. I finally had to admit that there was a problem, and I had to do something about it.

No one likes to talk about this stuff, but I've decided to make it public because those four days I suffered were the longest, most miserable days I can remember. I felt like I was losing my mind. I felt alone. I felt like I was a bad mom. No amount of encouragement from loved ones lifted my spirits.

What I went through was the ugliness of Postpartum Depression and Anxiety. Yes, it's a real thing...and it's really scary. I refused to let this go on any longer untreated, so I met with my doctor and we developed a game plan. I'm taking medicine to help with the anxiety, and have an appointment to meet with a therapist to regain some coping skills that I seem to have lost. 

I have a lot of work to do, but knowing that I have some control in this situation has given me much more peace of mind. Talking about this openly makes me feel empowered. I know how alone I felt this last week, and maybe me opening up about this will encourage other women in a similar situation to take control and reach out for help.

I am fortunate to have a wonderful support system, including my husband, parents, brother, in-laws, and close family friends, who all stepped in to help me during this tough time. I will continue to blog about my experience with Post-Partum Depression and Anxiety, because it is something I do not want to brush under the rug. Overcoming this will ultimately make my family and me much stronger.